Superficial pleasantries vs. honest relationship building

In my last post, I discussed some thoughts from reading Conger, Lawler, and Finegold’s Corporate Boards book. Here is something else that caught my eye in that book that has near universal applicability -not just to corporate (or observatory) boards.

In a section of the book on how boards can/should review themselves, the authors write about why most boards don’t end up reviewing themselves in any meaningful way:

There was a concern it might cause disharmony in the group. It was that primitive notion of what creates more effective teams. ‘Effective’ teams in this case, are where you skirt issues of difficulty, or personal differences. It’s more like ‘We want to be able to have a drink together and like each other’ as opposed to ‘If we confront ourselves on real issues, we’ll deepen the relationship.’

There’s not much more that needs to be said after the authors’ summary.  Too often people, managers, team leaders, team members, employees, fail to raise an issue for fear of being confrontational, of being thought of as not nice.  There’s a common (mis)perception that if we confront people, if we speak up when something is wrong, then we are not being nice; we are not being good colleagues; we are poisoning the congenial atmosphere. This attitude is, of course, silly, as the above passage points out.  By not confronting the real issue, by not making these tough decisions, we may establish a superficial pleasantness, but we don’t ever dig any deeper and build real understanding that leads everyone to peak performance and a more satisfying environment.

Confronting people does not make you tough or mean. You can confront someone in a mean, objectifying way, or you can confront people in a helpful, supportive, personal way.  We’ve all heard of stories (usually told of great managers) who fired someone only to have them return some time later and be quite successful. Were these people fired in a mean-spirited, impersonal way? Probably not. They were probably fired with sincerity, reflecting on the fact that their employment in their current role was not only not working, but was of little benefit to either party.  They were fired with honesty.   They thus created the opportunity to learn from life’s problems.  Firing, reviewing, confronting someone with malice or dishonesty at heart does not provide a foundation from which anything greater can develop.

Same behavior, different attitude. You can “be mean” and confront someone or you can “be nice” and confront someone.  Honest confrontation meant to improve the relationship, the teamwork, and the results is not only healthy, but necessary for high performance.   Skirting around the interpersonal issues gives you two people who can go drink together, but who won’t ever build a bond and a team that will lead to greatness.



While Scot hopes he will never be fired with either good or bad intentions, he does look forward to opportunities to develop an honest, deeper understanding with his colleagues, although seizing these moments is still not always as easy as he would like.

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